A King's Life
Monday, October 07, 2002
Yesterday was sure a memorable day, but maybe not as muc for what I got from it, than give away. I dropped a few friends (rachel, afro, juhi, kartik, lovy and naren) from my life. May have come as a big surprise to them, really, but then A King's Life is full of such events, and sometimes he is as shell-shocked by his actions as those around him. Had I known myself better, I would have known that this was coming, but now that it has been done and over with, there is a sense of relief, as well as some kind of excitement over how the new life is going to be. Coming to think of it, I have suddenly said goodbye to all my good friends, or those with who I had been sharing my life with. Now there is this huge void, this emptiness, and the feeling of being alone. But I guess that was the motive - to start a new journey, as the more exciting journeys are known to be, into the uknown.
I want this year to be one of massive growth, achievement and progress, and before setting out on it, it was important to let go of old baggage and thats precisely what I have done.
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Self realisations on 28th bday eve
Its been some journey, long winding, eventful, to say the least, so libran, so agony and ecstasy. For one, I feel really good with the values I stand for, the parameters I have frameworked my life within, the reasons I have chosen to exist...well, almost. There is no denyin the self-destructive side, and the pleasure-seeking nature which is such a part of my core. For a while I thought this was my self-definition - work hard, play hard - but not so much anymore. I have a few crucial decisions at hand and a life to build. Yes, I always want to command respect for even for simply living, and want to be respected for being myself. But then again, it need not be such extremes.
Actually, and this is forcing itself out of me, I really really love the character of the king in Kama Sutra. The self-serving, overtly indulgent king who lived his life just for the pleasures it had to bestow upon him. Yes, without doubt, a momentary state of being, but for the time that it lasts, worth it's seconds in eons. I want to be that king, actually I am, and have since quite a while now, lived exactly like that - felt, thought, acted like one...ofcourse, not in the same devilish way. I have enever thought or wished il for anyone else, infact, not even for the guy who took away my girl, chosing, instead, to tell everyone that yes, I have been dumped, and yes, it is for that guy that she dumped me. If I turn my thought inward, and speculate why I say that and the pupose behind it, honestly, I am not sure even exactly why, though most times I say it as my acceptance of reality for what it is and not to be ashamed of it or live in fear of it in any way. If it happened, it is true, and truth is God, and to accept Him for what He is, is among the values I stand for.
Yes, I do I have a structure for life which I want to follow to the hilt. Yes, I know I have chosen a very radical and non-conventional one at that, and yes, most people think either I am too cray or then too naive, unsettling age-old wisdoms (though, if thought about carefully, going back to them), and chosing to be more real than is now-a-days allowed. For example, complete honesty with your partner, inspite of running a risk of losing her to the truth, is somethng I mantain inspite of losing my last 2 girlfriends for precisely the reason. But, to come back to the point, yes, I do love the life of complete irresponsibility, or wade it off for as long as I can, drug induced most times, living an expensively constructed reality, chasing a dream for all its worth, revelling in the surprise of newness of the mundane when seen with a treated eye, smiling a heart-felt smile, careless, free, unknown to the vagaries (i hate this word!) of time or tomorrow. Which, though in a way, is quite ironic by itself - while I epitomise reality to be the ultimate form of knowingness, I also spend great deals of time and effort to run away from it. Reality busters, is that what they call us? As a libran, I agree that the two mindsets can dwell quite comfortably in the same me, have conflicts at times, but in general, get along well enough to not cause any major day-to-day problems. Yin and yang live together just as day and night administrate life so seamlessly. But maybe that is why a dawn or a dusk are so interesting to me...the transition is actually the highlight of the duality of things, and of all things worthy of observation, one with the most interesting stories to tell. Everything has atleast two sides, and I have a feeling, the more extreme they are, the better they fit together as a workable whole, and higher their likelihood to create an everlasting value.
How does this apply to me though? Does it mean that I continue to be atleast a qualified loser when I am not being a dignified winner? Success also mean focus and unwavering dedication, and walking two opposite paths at the same time (though they may not appear as opposite at times, and even appear to be the same sides of two coins at others) may require either a great deal of effort, or then a sense of an exquisitely defined balance. Well, one argument is, if u are a libran, then what more than perfection through balance among opposites that u want.Yes, true, but when the balance titls unfavourably to one side, then I guess it is time to reign in your demons, and restore it to it's efficient best. Guess then thats what has happened.
The balance has shifted dangerously towards gratifictaion, and even though sometimes I question that this is the age for it, I also feel that it is finally time to take a break, get a grip on life, and make some concrete plans for the future. Unto that then, let this year be dedicated.
To sanity lets raise a cheer,
To sobriety a beer..:))
