A King's Life
Thursday, June 27, 2002
Today, my best friend leaves for a month. Sad thing is, she leaves heart-broken, taken for a ride by another really good friend of mine. But something in me knew it right from the day they met. Funny then, how she never saw it until now. But the other side to it is when she comes back, she has an opportunity to start afresh. So here comes...a month of no one to speak my heart out with, none to speak to myself in front of...guess I will psot more frequently now.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Hmm...
Recap time: Just the thing to do when there's nothing exciting to report...afterall, dont we spend thousands on holidays just to be able to go back to the good memories in our minds, once they are over. Ofcourse, the smarter of the lot also make pictures.
So yea, the last two weeks have been the most exciting in my life, but not necessarily for the right reasons. As usual though, the best way to pass off a sorry buck, or bitch, as was the case this time, is to say that you atleast learned something from it. That we most do, what most don't is to fall on your face and say, "Hey, what a cool autobiography that would make." Yes, thats me. Making art out of fart. And that is why I am here, telling no one in particular what is happening in my life in general. Diversions, diversions - though it can't be denied that some of the best ideas come when u are inbetween two very important, though consequently innane ones. See what I mean! A corollary though would have to be that it is thus advisable to nurture innanity as a means to achieve importance, and a living example can be seen in all the dead politicians (since the living wont admit it and even sue u for such blasphemy)
But I was talking about important innanity. And here it is...The greek goddess, at a usual 'where the journalists become newsmakers' (over state subsidised cheap drinks ofcourse) place once spake, "I am sorry to say this samrat, but now that I have been here for a while, and that I dont need you anymore, if I find a better guy, I will go with him. I know this sounds rude, but I wanted to tell you beforehand." Contentious. The word better, by cosmic grammer, CANNOT be used in relation to me. But used it was, and hurt it did. But something more importantly innane happened too...as an obvious retalliatory measure, the long redundant 'babe antenae' were pressed into action, recieving all kinds of V signals. Unfortunately for the greek goddess, a frquency match happened much sooner than later, in the form of a 34 yr old french speaking Italian from Belgium! Ms Linda is working with a french mission in this country, was in Afghanisthan until Feb this year!, loves to travel, has an exceptioanlly wonderful smile, and when we kissed for the first time, I really missed the greek goddess. The last part thankfully got better with time though. I mean the kissing.
Honesty, if it could ever be anyone's achilles heel, is mine, and was proven once again when I told the greek goddess about my exploit, and as was totally unexpected, she decided to take offence. And even though I was careful enough not to ever employ the word better, she was angry enough to walk out on me, and rendered the term 'we' extinct the second time it happened, and I told her. I made many attempts to win her back, but the thrid time it happened, and I told her, it was over for good, and she took to grabbing every available opportunity to hurt me. Then came a time when I wanted to get back.
Unfortunately though, though this time not only for her, as I later found out, it happened again in the disguise of an exceptionaly nubile french girl at a party in Gorai beach. Ms Brice, in the form of a lonely girl, came to the party thinking about nothing in particular, and met me, Don Juan, in the guise of a lonely guy, thinking how to get back with, err, at, my greek goddess. {History (aka recap inside a recap...don't think it is possible? Dude, u haven't seen Hindi movies or wot?) - I had found her intruiging, in a nice way at that time, and attractively mysterious, in 1998, when I would see her at parties, and even tried to approach her once, in an exception to my style, but she had snubbed me like a wet cigarette. Then it became an ego issue and no further attempts were made, though I continued to feel her energy on the dance floor.} But here she was, four years later, sitting next to me by the beach, as curious and interested in me, as I wasn't in the greek goddess, who, incidentally, was also in the same party.
I stuck to Ms Brice like she was my own. And her talking me about her underlying philosophy of life really helped...in me thinking, "What a strange way to think." But strange is attractive. Atleast till is becomes weird. But it was only strange, at that time, to hear her say things like, "I believe that none of us exist (as apart from the One), and none of what is happening around me is for real, and we have no control over it. I have no control over the words that are coming out my mouth right now, and neither have I any say in what I feel inside, or for that matter, what is happening to me." So who am I? "I am what I am supposed to be." What am I supposed to be? "I don't know, and I can't know, and besides, since I dont really exist, how does that matter?" Hmm, said I, this is positively not mainstream, and since we don't have the story of a flood-stricken city to tell, until tomorrow atleast, why not delve a bit deeper. How I wish I wasn't chasing pussy now. (Implying, for the pun-parched, not so curious as a cat.) Everything conspired. Main culprits being the music which was erratic, thanks to two dj's happily resorting to blame assessment rather than bothering to get a new generator, and the rains ensuring that everyone kept shunting between cottages and dace floor. Amidst this chaos, 2 ppl found were trying hard to shed first meeting inhibitions, with poingant conversation inducing questions like, "So don't u think life could be a better place to live in if we were to think that we have atleast some degree of control in how we percieve a situation, if not in shaping it?" "No, we have absolutely no control over anything, not even in how we feel." Night became day. Everyone, including the greek goddess, left. High tide set in, and soon we, along with a few other 'fuck-the-party-we-are-pickining'-minded people, were allowed to feel the romance of being stuck on an island. There was no way to leave till the tide receeded, and also no way for me to swim out to the Middle-east when my nubile companion told me she was 37! I was betting on 24, and there was nothing in the way she looked which suggested otherwise. But given that she did no drugs, didn't drink, nor smoke, or even drink coffee, yet danced till everyone dropped, it was hard to believe that she wasn't mad, 24, or an angel. But that I guess I will never find out.
That evening we made out, and while we were, I never missed the greek goddess more. I knew she wasn't enjoying it, and thus so wasn't I. But we did it all the same, like a ritual that needs to be gotten over with. Two days later, we meet again, this time to watch a Hindi movie she had a role in. I hadn't seen a Hindi film for 3 years, but for her, I consented. She wasn't in the movie, but instead we saw my german friend, who I knew had done some 'shiity' (in his words) role in a film which he got paid Rs 1,000 (Usd 20) for the day and bought a pill for. After the movie we went someplace to eat, where I was reminded that she didnt enjoy sex with me, though not to mention that she didn't like me, my voice, my touch, and also the fact that all I was trying to do with her was exactly that. Full stop! my mind screamed. Period, my heart yelled. "Can I go out for a ciggarette?" said I. I thought - since she is leaving the weekend anyway, why don't we end this on a good note....and so i tried. Walked her home, went back home and called her, and spoke for a few hours, during which I relaised that she had meant everything she had said, but also added that she thought all Indian guys were jerks and all they wanted to do with foreigners was exactly that, and ofcourse, also that nothing existed and she had no control over what she felt and thought and that she would be the first person to commit suicide if she could have any choice in her life. Wow!
The next evening we go to a club and many things happened...what happened in the end was that she was almost running away from the club with me walking behind her shoutngher name, when it struck me! This is was the best way, and also so damn symbolic, in an ironic way ofcourse, to let her go. I watched her walk away till I could see her no more, and went back in thinking I was reborn.
The greek goddess!
Who was also at the club, and me, shared one, and went the next morning to pick up her mom from the airport, who was more than just shocked to have landed in a third world country for the frist time in her 54 years, she was angry with her daughter for having wanted to stay here for more than the stipulated 4 months. She has now offered to buy her daughter a car if she consents. The daughter, I think, is happier being in my erstwhile college, a 125 yr old institution. Guess what is she the goddess of - Love. Could u have expected any less?
Ms Linda, alongside, since she aint anymore on the other hand, I suspect, wants to meet me for something important she has to say.
Monday, June 24, 2002
hey there, today we did something absolutely outrageous. Me and a greek goddess went to my erstwhile college, a 125 yr old institution, and made out in lecture room no 32. What can I say, it was stuff fantasies are made of!
Sunday, June 23, 2002
From today we start a journey...of I and me!
